What do you want to be like? What kind of day would you think was a good one? (here you can include things like "think silently, with no distractions, for 30 minutes" - NOT things like "have 3 good ideas"; also things like "End each day by listing 3 things I want to do the next day, and make sure they get done", rather than "Get lots of stuff done - be incredibly productive")

Design an ideal day. Better yet, design the day you want your 27 year old self to have. Now, you know what your 27 year old self does with his time. You've got 2 years to become that guy.

This means you make gradual changes to your habits. The 30 day method works well for people. Pick one of these new habits that you're aiming to have - only one, seriously - and stick with it for 30 days. Then keep that one going, and add a new one.

If you can do that, you can introduce 12 new habits in one year, and 24 in two years. That's an enormous difference, and it's entirely achievable. Three steps:

1. List the habits your 27 (or 26) year old self has.

2. Pick one for August (but you can start early this month). Do it for the whole month and start a new one in addition in September.

3. That's it. And I don't mean that I'm done. I mean you're done. Stop looking for advice. Don't read productivity blogs. Don't ask any more forums for help. Don't try and perfect this system. It's not perfect, but it's good enough, and doing the good enough beats reading about the perfect. So just do it.

And come back and tell us how you're doing!

People here tend to be too goal oriented, and that's perfect when you have a goal that you want to attain in an area that you love working. But the truth is that it seems that having all the basic needs fulfilled you don't find enough attraction to the higher needs (in the http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs) that you have in mind. It probably is because the goals you've set aren't really the ones you crave for.

I was, more or less, like you, high twenties, nor happy neither sad, bored with everything. Now, mid thirties, I'm full of energy and will to live to the fullest with the things I love to do. What I did was to start doing activities after work, stuck with the ones I liked (longer the more I liked them) and discarded the ones I didn't like much.

Different martial arts, guitar playing, vegetarian dishes, ... I started to do whatever I felt the desire to do and could be done in a short course (3 months of 1 weekly hour). Until I found my passion (dancing). Now I devote most of my free time to it, I even have left WoW because I have no time for it.

Try things, in a short time scale (i.e.: 7D RPG, NaNoWriMo, weekend kayaking, ...) , and keep with what you have the most fun. Life is worth living, don't waste it all on external goals or in doing things because they will look good on your resumé (unless that's what you love to do, of course).

They probably won't help with sleep much, though. ;-)

This approach combined with having different levels of goals will keep you on the right trajectory in finishing everything you want to accomplish. Something like "Only eat out once a week" can be a goal, it's up to you to choose your level of granularity.

IMO the most important thing is to periodically take a few steps back and reevaluate your current habits in relation to the goals you set.

Never simply have a goal of losing weight. Instead, think about the lifestyle you want that will take you to a healthy weight. Find good foods that you enjoy and exercises that you don't dread. Your goal isn't to lose weight, it's to create that lifestyle that you really want, which will bring the weight-loss and better health with it.

Maybe use this 30 day method to get in the habit but the key to longevity will be the creation of a better lifestyle that you are truly happy with. It won't take long to see the benefits and being happy with the way you are reaching your goal will make it much easier to stay on that path.

Apply the same method to your ideas.

Regarding the exercise part of that statement:

I've actually come to terms with the fact that the amount I need to exercise to change my body over time isn't going to be pleasant while I'm doing it and I won't want to exercise every day. I've also come to expect that I'll feel great after I work out. If you couple these realistic expectations with a regular exercise schedule, it's easier to force yourself through your workouts and meet your goals/establish good habits.

Yes, it's true that exercise can help suppress your hunger. It can also make you hungrier. Yes, it's true that adding more muscle increases your basal metabolism. But building muscle makes you hungrier. A famous and record-holding power lifter scolded me when I was young: it's a fool's game to try to build muscle and lose weight at the same time (his version was stronger than what I've stated here).

Lose weight through diet. Get fit through exercise. Don't confuse the two goals. If you keep this in mind, then you could have the following strategy: Lose weight, doing only light or moderate exercise that you find fun and distracting enough to keep you from eating. Then, once you are at the weight you like, start exercising for the fitness level you desire.

This is also solid advice. Paul G said in one of his essays about doing something you love doesn't mean doing what makes you happy THIS second, it's something that makes you happy over a longer period (week, month, year).

There are very few people when asked if exercising right now would make them happy yet these same people would tell you they would be delighted to be 10-15 pounds lighter and have more energy in 6-12 months.

That being said, I did enter a dark period that lasted about 8 months after graduating college. I got a job that sounded good on paper. In reality, I was not happy with it, and it did not align with who I wanted to be. It got really bad. It's amazing how detrimental it can be to spend your life doing something that you know isn't you.

I've since modified these traits a few times. For instance, I found out about a year ago from a few people that I apparently intimidate people the first time they meet me. Since then, I've decided that the person I want to be is personable, easily approachable, and makes people comfortable. Since then, I've made a conscious effort to always have a smile on my face when in public, as well as to relax my posture a bit to try to put those around me at ease.

Thanks so much for your help.

Once I stopped medicating myself with food and weed, my true emotions surfaced and it became easier to know when I was deceiving myself. For example, when I am goofing off more than I should, I now feel sad and pained (not guilty), and consequently correct my behavior.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhagvad_Gita#Overview_of_chapte...

---

Sometimes it's easier to change habits in groups rather than alone: http://akkartik.name/blog/resolutions

Cannot agree more ...

I suggest tackling this from a psychosomatic perspective. The body is an indirect but very powerful agent of change to the mind, Give yourself the permission to be calm and collected and deserve an average, wonderful, American middle-class day without guilt or anxiety. Enjoy that yummy sandwich and coffee and count your blessings. Avoid breathing like a bull in a fight. Avoid walking fast as if you're in a Jason Bourne movie. Avoid thinking rapidly, as if you're a hacker in a bad Hollywood movie. Real-life badasses are often deliberately slow. Real-life geniuses are very slow at the beginning when you ask them a puzzle. Secret : Expand the gap between perception and deliberate-thought as much as possible. That's where the magic happens.

Thus, using your body, allow your mind to reach a place of inner calm. Turns out that Clarity is the perfect path to doing anything good or great. Because it naturally leads to slow-thought, which leads to natural Know Thyself questions, which lead to self-confidence and a moment-by-moment ability to discriminate between what I want to do right now to be genuinely happy vs. what you should do right now as an employee, as a boyfriend, or other role-player (external conditioning). This leads to exercise, cutting down work hours to focus on a startup business plan, being a good serial killer, or whatever it is that you realize as part of the everyday slow Know Thyself process.

All the best! I'm sure you'll do quite well based on what you wrote!

tl;dr version : Deliberately Slow => Mental Clarity. Rest = automatic, by natural design.

I don't know. I did this when I was 25, and two years later, I feel as if I wasted my time.

I'm probably being unfair to myself. I worked on fun little side projects here and there that never went anywhere, but I felt contented. Now I feel like I have to be working on something big; "fun" projects have lost their fun.

For me, this is probably due in part to having made something that got a fair amount of blog coverage last fall, attracting interviews at big tech companies and even a few conference invitations, and then after about six months, landing right back where I started. I feel like this has proven that I should be shooting for the moon, but that I just can't sustain the momentum.

Then one day I just got bored, stopped logging in, and turned my focus to my startup and I haven't looked back since :) (this was 8 months ago or so, we'll see how long it holds)

Modern careers leave people estranged from their families and without any real friends. Although programmers like to believe their Asperger's syndrome or Randian individualism means they don't need a social or family life, humans are social animals. Not having anyone around who cares about you leaves people anxious and depressed. When you are anxious and depressed it leads to ADHD, hypochondria, and a sense of helplessness. The fact that you are asking this question anonymously on an internet forum leads me to believe your social life probably isn't as good as it could be.

In contrast, when people are surrounded by loved ones all the time generally they have little anxiety or depression even if they have serious physical health problems.

1) do something that makes you break a sweat EVERY DAY.

2) Go do something and take some pictures, then write about it. Even if it is just a short walk down a plain street. Find something about it that's interesting and think/write/capture it. This solves 2 problems. Now you're producing something and you're paying attention to what's going on outside your head.

3) Take a look at everything you accomplish in a day. You're less of a loser than you realize. * - making up numbers as I go.

The key word here is habit. You have a finite amount of willpower, so if you want to live right, you've got to make habits. When you write code, you split complexity into functions so you don't have to think about its implementation details; you just have to remember what the function does, so your mind doesn't get overloaded. Habits are similar, and just as essential. When I run, I don't make a decision to go out and do it; I just think "Oh, it's time for my daily run," and I start running. Trivially easy.

(But yeah, if you're looking for a specific habit, breaking a sweat every day is a great one.)

When we first started walking, he was annoyed and didn't want to be there. He shuffled along, staring at his feet, and kept whining "Can we go back yet?" (we'd gone maybe a quarter mile on flat grass when this started). I suggested he look up at the things around him instead of at his feet, because there's a lot of cool stuff to see. He glanced around, and nearly yelled, "No there ISN'T! There's just... this!"

A few minutes later an eagle flew by above us and I pointed it out, and suddenly he got excited. Then we saw a harmless snake in the path and chased it so he could see how it moved. Then we stopped and skipped rocks in the nearby river. By the time we made it back to the beginning of the trail an hour later, he was full of energy and running around, and yelling "Mom! Mom! Guess what? We saw an eagle, and a hawk, and three snakes, and there was a fish in the river..."

Walking down the street is very similar to that. There are all kinds of things to see around you that go unnoticed so much of the time. You could walk down that same street every day going to and from work, but chances are you're focused on what's at the end of it. Taking a walk with no specific purpose is a completely different animal. You have to find purpose along the way, so you start looking around you for interesting details. Maybe there's a cool bar tucked into the alley that you never saw. Maybe there's a crazy graffiti mural on the next block over that you can take pictures of. Maybe there's a hot girl at the bus stop with whom you can make friends. Maybe there's something as simple as a happy dog wagging his tail and smiling at you that could brighten your day.

You might find a fresh perspective on a small corner of your life... but once it starts it tends to spread quickly.

Amen to that. If your lifestyle enables you to have one (and you're not allergic), a pet can be extremely therapeutic.

It changes you. What wasn't said is that during that short walk down the street you need to leave all your devices and gadgets at your house. Then, simply walk down the street and observe. Be in that moment of walking and focusing on all that is going on around you in that very moment.

It sounds easy, and is a very zen thing to do but is a lot harder than you think. My mind is always racing with everything that needs to happen so that it's easy to become vapor locked. I take a walk outside and focus on feeling the warmth of the sun, the sounds, the visuals and everything that I need to do simply unfolds in front of me. It's hard to explain, but works.

Learn to love yourself.

It is something so simple and yet so difficult. To tell you the truth I used(?) to hate myself like anything until the past few weeks. I used to wonder if I deserved to exist at all after all life had been so good to me and there were people worse off than me and I still couldn't do anything with myself.

The environment I was in encouraged it and I was trapped in an extremely vicious cycle which killed me on more ways I can write down. I still can't do stuff consistently due to the burden I have accumulated in the past. Don't do that to yourself.

It's a slippery slope and once you're on it. You're perilously close to oblivion. So what if you have stayed stagnant? At least you realize it and are taking steps to combat it.

I wish I could just hug you or something, but I can't so just call up someone close and talk to them about this. Drop the facades that we all set up and just communicate. It may not solve much, but it will remove the weight of the world from your shoulders and in the longer run that will make all the difference.

now, expecting others to value you when you repeatedly and consistently fail them is irrational, but you really do need to feel that you have a right to value yourself, no matter what. Self-hatred is simply not an effective way to motivate oneself; I've tried.

2) 60,000 per year isn't a big paycheck. That's about what I'm making, after getting laid off and taking a big pay cut to get back into the workforce. It's a decent living, but you won't be paying off all of your debts in 3 years with that kind of money.

3) I don't know any 25 year-olds who are debt free unless they're trust-fund babies, and they have their own huge set of problems.

4) The picture you paint in the middle of your diatribe is not a picture of someone who is in control of one's life. Your life has been good to you. You're intelligent and gainfully employed, but I think you're worse off in self-control, discipline and health than you think.

Comments suggesting building good, small habits are some of the best advice you'll get. Don't get discouraged by the "I built this supermassive startup in 2 hours that got bought for 80 bajillion dollars" type stories. They might show up here with frequency, but those kinds of results are atypical at best, and at least one metric, if not all of them, are usually exaggerated. (2 hours of coding, perhaps, but months or years of daydreaming and planning)

As for goals... Give yourself a single daily health or productivity goal if you're one of those impossibly pedantic goal-oriented fiends. Make sure it's attainable. Maybe that'll help you focus.

I will knock out that project by quitting time. I'll ride my bike to work today instead of driving. I'll go to bed before 10:00pm. I'll skip the usual Wednesday trip to Starbucks.

Get smaller, immediate goals and work from there. Stop drinking soda next week. Stop eating sweets the week after. Apply that to everything. Think in weeks and days, not in years.

Smaller goals have many benefits. They take less time, they are easier to do, they give you results faster, and the reward you feel for 'completing a goal' is the same.

On another note, people are pretty strange in that we become most energised when faced with a crisis, maybe you've simply had it too easy so far and now you are coming to this supposedly happy stage in your life without enough contrast to appreciate just how fortunate you really are.

If I were you, I'd man up, choose a single simple goal to achieve, one that you can reach in less than a month and then pursue that relentlessly until you've got it. After that re-evaluate and see where it leads you.

Best of luck there!

I make no excuses for being a religious man, I just am. That view tends to be wildly unpopular in these circles, possibly because it treads upon the contemporary ideas of control and success. The same concepts causing you so much pain right now. Nonetheless, I'll happily plant this seed and hope for it to sprout. What you're missing isn't some quantifiable success story or achievement, but rather a deep, meaningful relationship with your creator.

This isn't an ode to mediocrity, but like someone else said choosing a different measuring stick by which you measure your life. And, really, a call for you to stop flogging yourself with that same stick.

"Each of us will have our own Fridays...those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death, Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come.

Death is not the end of existence."

Joseph B. Wirthlin

My early twenties are over, and I haven't really done anything. The idea of looking back when I'm 30 and having these same thoughts makes me literally shake with terror.

... is very much a young man's worry. I remember being tormented by thoughts like this as well. How old was so-and-so when he wrote such-and-such and all that. My experience has been that the sting goes out of this naturally as you just live your life. It's not going to be that big of a deal in the long run. So while by definition you can't stop involuntarily torturing yourself, you can at least stop freaking out about it. Seriously, it'll be ok.

The second suggestion is, when unsure what to do, consider Christopher Alexander's question: What feels more alive? The more attention you pay to that, the easier it is to get unstuck. The trick is to not prejudge the answer. Turn down the volume as best you can on the "I should be doing X" and just attend to what feels more alive. You don't even necessarily need to do anything about it; once you start to get a handle on what your soul (<-- insert favorite metaphor here) really craves, it will pull you along. In fact it will haunt you until you have no choice but to comply. Which is convenient!

Edit: I need to add a third. The pain you feel about other people (e.g. on HN) doing great things is mostly an illusion that comes from making the big mistake that Hugh Macleod calls comparing your inside to somebody's outside. For heaven's sake try to stop doing that, or at least realize that it's a big mistake while you're doing it.

You're depressed, you can't focus on any one of your "hundred" ideas, you haven't paid off your debt on a $60k salary working for a fortune 500 company, and you aren't building cool shit like you really want to be doing. And you can't lose weight.

Solution:

Move to Silicon Valley/SF and get a job at a startup. There are tons of recently funded startups hiring right now. Guaranteed you'll make more money, and if you pick the startup well, you'll be making cool assed shit all the time. Although, I dare say, they won't let you surf the web all day.

And, the culture of the Bay Area is to eat right, and to get more exercise. It's part of the social fabric here. It's also a lot easier to eat well when there's tons of great local produce and beautiful nature to hike around within a 20 minute drive of anywhere in the Bay Area.

If you still have problems focusing, the medical care in the Bay Area is quite good. Talk to a Psych out here. They know the difference between Nerd Attention Deficit Disorder and plain old ADHD. If they still feel you have ADHD after all these changes, suck it up and take your meds. Even if you don't agree with the diagnosis, you'll probably be able to focus on your code a bit more if you're taking Adderal as prescribed.

I don't believe changing the external environment, or income, or people who you are near, is going to do jack shit.

Here's why: I feel exactly like the OP. Failed weight loss. Failed relationships (in my case it's making good friends / co-worker relationships). A giant list of failed or incomplete side projects. Still can't pay off my loans.

The difference: I make 3 times as much as the OP. I work for (and have always worked for) exciting startups. I live in a trendy area of NYC (not SF, but the same health-minded social stuff).

The money, the atmosphere, the location: false hopes. They don't change you you are. You're not your salary. You're not your neighborhood. You're not your job.

YMMV, but as someone who's been-there-done-that and hoped that a better job, more money, and better location would somehow fundamentally change who I was, I think that line of hope is no different than someone who thinks a bigger TV, fancier car, or hotter wife is going to make them happy. It won't.

EDIT: Let me be a bit more specific. I don't like it when people do some hand-waving and claim that it's just The Way It Is.

The main issue is that your environment does effect you, it just doesn't change you.

Money: I've lived on ramen & water. I had friends who understood that drinking cheap beer at home was the best I could do. Once I started making more money, I certainly thought I could avoid spending more. And for a while, I did. But things start to add up. First, you network with people who make the same Good Money that you make. So you pretty much have to up your entertainment budget or else be a recluse. Like it or not, your old peers will envy your money. You'll stop getting invited to basement parties (age is certainly a factor too). You decide one day you deserve better than living in a slum with bars on your windows and doors and rats in your walls and upgrade to an OK apartment. You decide it's time to "grow up" and stop buying used clothes. You decide Natty Light isn't the best beer in the world. Your old $25k/year lifestyle is now a $75k/year lifestyle with only incremental changes. This leads me into...

Location: If you move to a yuppie place, you'll spend yuppie money. Coffeeshops cost more. Old dirty grocery stores give way to Whole Foods. There will be subtle, almost subconcious pressure to spend more and be even more critical on yourself than you already are. The "keeping up with the Jones'" cranks into high gear. If you feel like a fat loser in the midwest (or wherever), it's 10x worse when you're surrounded by wealthy in-shape people. Trust me. My smug sense of being better than most people when I lived in poor suburban/rural areas has given way to feeling like a worthless fat piece of crap every time I walk outside (this is a bit of an exaggeration, but with a BMI around 30 I'm easily the fattest guy I can see 95% of the time).

And finally, job: A job is a job. Some are better, some let you work in your boxers, but from 10,000 feet they're all just ways to give you more money to spend on shit that you hope makes you feel better but doesn't. You can try to derive happiness from a job and for some people it works, but it never worked for me because I don't really have much control over my job. At 25 years old I'm not yet in the position of actually making big changes. Sure I can decide on a framework or the language to use, but do I choose which direction the company goes? Do I make hiring decisions? Not yet. Certainly in 5 years this will change but at 3 years out of college, even in startups, you're not given the sort of responsibility, IMO, that gives significant job satisfaction.

Anyway this is all just IMO. There's certain to be folks with the exact opposite feeling on this, so I'm not claiming I'm right, just that this is my experience.

Of course, it's up to you to actually press that reset button.

One of the best things I ever did with my life was to found my own company. The company failed - it just petered out and never went anywhere. But it got me off the "Java developer for a small financial firm" track, helped me learn a whole bunch of new skills, and those skills got me a job all the way across the company.

That's a good point. I think as long as a person doesn't put too much hope into the idea that the environment itself is going to force changes upon oneself, it's a good idea.

I've lived in Costa Rica and Honduras as a child. As an adult, I've also lived in Minnesota, Chicago, Rhode Island, LA, Fresno and now the Bay Area.

Depending on your personality type, the city where you live is going to have a dramatic effect on your outlook on life. For instance, if you're a foodie or an artist Providence Rhode Island is going to be phenomenal for you. If you love sports, microbrews and hanging out with fraternity buddies, Chicago is phenomenal town. If you love hunting, fishing and "Going to the lake" every weekend, Minnesota is really wonderful. If you're trying to get into the film industry, or visual effects industry, there's no other place to be other than LA.

But, if you're a young programer and want to live in a place where in an evening you can meet over a hundred other programmers doing cool assed shit with in functional programming, NoSQL, startups, iPhone programming, mobile, search, natural language processing, etc... Then, I would suggest avoiding Dubuque Iowa, and I'd suggest moving to the Bay Area: http://www.meetup.com/Hackers-and-Founders/calendar/13712630... </shameless plug>

No, location doesn't change who you area as a person, but it certainly does open up a lot of different options if you're interested in that.

No, making more money doesn't make you happier, but if you're seriously interested in debt reduction, and you commit to avoid "keeping up with the Joneses" and choose to live in a crap part of town for a year, while you pay down your credit cards, making $120k vs $60k is going to get you closer to your goal all other things being equal.

A job: Wow, I couldn't disagree with you more.

At 25 years old I'm not yet in the position of actually making big changes. Sure I can decide on a framework or the language to use, but do I choose which direction the company goes? Do I make hiring decisions? Not yet. Certainly in 5 years this will change but at 3 years out of college, even in startups, you're not given the sort of responsibility

Completely disagree. In the Silicon Valley startup scene, no one cares how old you are. They generally care about what you can do and how well you do it. I hang out with 23 year old founders that have raised millions in funding, have revenue, are close to profitable, and have hired a dozen people. I have a hunch the scene in NYC may be quite a bit different.

My motivation for posting my wall of text is that I just don't think his problem is external. Maybe external changes will prompt some introspective changes, maybe it won't, I just genuinely don't believe that latching on to meaning given to you by others (job, house, debt reduction) has inherent value when it comes to getting over an existentialist funk.

:)

Three things:

NYC is expensive. A 6 pack of crummy beer is $14 across the street from my office, and a studio in Harlem is still $2,000/mo. Realistically, $100k/year in NYC is like $60k/year elsewhere. I know quite a few people making six figures that live 2 hours outside of the city because they can't afford it and I've read that you shouldn't even consider having kids in Manhattan until your household income is over $200k/yr.

Second, IME a lot of startups in NYC have deep pockets. I believe this is because most of the startups in NYC are funded by big companies with NYC HQs. Otherwise, they'd start up elsewhere because everything about running a biz is expensive in NYC (employee wages, taxes, rent, etc).

Third, there's a talent drought in NYC. If a tech savvy type of guy wants to be on the east coast, they usually end up Boston/Cambridge.

High cost of living + startups w/ lots of coin + talent shortage = $$$$ for devs.

Also, I made some broad generalizations. There are plenty of self-funded startups in NYC too.

I've working in NYC for 10 years in various industries. Here is my observation of pay rates from highest pay to lower:

Finance line of biz (eg. quant model programmer)

Finance IT

megacorp software corps (Google, M$)

startups no equity

startups w/ equity

other industry IT (publishing, media)

My observation is that nyc startups pay slightly more than your run-of the mill fortune 500 but less than megacorp software shops and finance. Even less of a base salary if they offer equity. Granted I may be talking to the wrong startups and anomalies exists but your characterization is off.

Yes, NY is expensive but your limiting your scope to Manhattan. The average salary for people living in NYC is 50k, most of whom work in Manhattan. They somehow manage to "get-by". Also, high cost of living doesn't automatically equate to every company doling out high base pay.

It sounds to me like you need to learn to exert more conscious, intentional control over the things you do. It seems like controlling your bodyweight can be one of the most difficult challenges humans face (for those that have trouble with it). To lose weight you have to control two things: diet and exercise. If you can gain control over this, you will have made a huge step towards controlling other aspects of your life.

Check out http://crossfit.com. They're not after your money. You can get all the information you need for free, and it is by far the most sensible approach to general fitness I've seen anywhere, bar none. It's also the most time-efficient, which is another big plus. Diet is always a controversial subject, but their approach works well for losing weight.

If you can get this aspect of your life under control, I think you'll be well on your way.

You need to get obsessed with something. Don't kill it by being overly critical in advance -- e.g., it's too trivial, it's not going to sell, no one else will be interested, .... Those things don't matter. You have to find something that allows you to exercise your talents. You probably have something in the back of your mind already. Maybe some business idea. Start designing a website for it. Or maybe something in technology you want to learn -- a language, a framework, whatever. Find a trivial application to provide programming exercises that you can accomplish in that language.

I wanted to learn Python, read the book, couldn't get interested. Then I had an idea for a programming tool that I wanted for myself. I realized that Python was a really good language for it and became obsessed. Today, (5 years later), I have a really useful tool (still used pretty much just by me), and I've become very proficient in Python. My interests have moved on, but that was a good obsession for a couple of years.

Don't worry about not being productive. Back off and evenutally you'll get interested in something. Then you can be productive.

For instance, find a startup entrepreneur and help him out. That will give you a crazy boost of energy and focus that you would never be able to create by yourself.

I think that's better than spending evenings rehashing bad stories with your shrink :-)

As a programmer, you can always go get a job working for the man. It is often tedious, doldrum, and boring. I often think of Thoreau's statement that "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation." I imagine start up life is never that boring and there is always work to be done. Go find a start up job.

If you're looking for advice from a community of people who have dealt with these problems (depression, ADHD, etc.), you might have better luck somewhere where that is the goal, like patientslikeme.com.

"It's not enough for me to just exist. I feel a deep desire to build, to create, to learn, to teach, and as the weeks and months drag by with no discernible progress made on many of these fronts, my agitation grows."

I suggest you read Symposium by Plato, especially the part where Socrates has his word. Although it was only a small part of the many things that helped me get over this, it is one of the most concrete things I can suggest.

To the parent: Thanks for the reading suggestion. I will check that out.

While on the subject, possibly Alcibiades I by Plato might be an even better read.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Alcibiades

"It's not a real disease" may or may not be true, but I would argue that is irrelevant.

Speaking as someone else who has been diagnosed with ADD, who is also unsure how it differs from simply being a lazy bastard, I can tell you that the drugs they give you for that are /very effective/ if you want to get more done.

They say it's not a silver bullet, but god damn, it sure feels that way. Unmedicated, I get one good day a month; I often get more done on that day than I do the rest of the month. Medicated, that day becomes somewhat average.

For me, most of the depression issues were caused by the fact that I was very obviously not performing up to potential, and when the stimulants fixed that problem, the depression issues mostly went away.

I actually was in a pretty similar situation around your age. Right out of highschool, I made a couple brilliant career moves, but after the .com crash I ended up stagnating from age 22 or so to 25 or so. At which point I started on medication. Four years later, I'm a published author, my company is paying my bills, and I'm generally not ashamed to be where I am. (Now, I'm not on medication anymore... long story... and I'm once again /much less productive/ so it's not like the problem is solved permanently. But medication can give you some very good years- years you can leverage to build skills so that your 'down time' is more productive, too.)

It's not a silver bullet, but a lot of my other issues melted away once I treated my ADD, and I'm now actually starting to accomplish things I want to accomplish.

Book yourself a ticket to Thailand this winter. 2 months return, starting in early December. Book it today and it will run you $800 from the west coast. You'll need another $2k in savings to handle expenses for a couple months in SE Asia.

Why? Because you need to meet some Europeans and Australians, and that's where they'll be this winter. You'll meet tons of people your age and younger who are so much more squared away and confident in what they're doing than you that you'll be blown away. Make friends with these people, figure out how they do what they do with so much less (because I guarantee you none of them will be pulling in $60k/year and they're doing trips like this every year.)

Use this trip to build the pattern for what you want yourself to be like from here on out. Start being that guy while you're on the road and nobody is around to see the transition. Then come back to your job and simply continue being that guy.

It's tough to change who you are while people are watching, but it's somehow acceptable to come back from a long trip and be "changed". Take advantage of that little social hack.

It's not uncommon for a situational event (like the ending of a relationship, transition from student to the working world) to trigger depression, especially when you're already under stress.

You don't mention anything about your day job, other than working as a developer at a Fortune 500 company. Could it be you are working at that job because you feel it is the "right" thing to do, rather than what you want to do? Maybe you should start looking for different work that is more in line with what you like to do. That's also a good way to see a salary increase -- in this economy it's not at all unusual to go 3 years without a salary increase. I'm in the same boat there.

In any event, keep seeing your therapist and perhaps even get a second opinion from another psychiatrist. If you are suffering from depression, you won't be able to "man up" or "try harder," or focus, because your body won't let you.

You can try constantly learning new things, especially things you can't master in a day or two. I'm always picking up a new hobby like chess, photography, illustration, backpacking, playing guitar, teaching elementary age kids, etc. Just understand that you'll probably never "master" any of these, since your interest will fade quickly once they no longer challenge you.

I wish I had a solution for this.

You are investing in the outcome not in the process.

http://www.ted.com/talks/srikumar_rao_plug_into_your_hard_wi...

There are a lot of subtle things that makes a difference. IMHO If you ask for advice here you will find good advice mixed with other totally nefarious for your health.

Look for methods that works, and the best way to do this is to search for people that were overweight and are not anymore.

My personal advice: The 30 days method is very important to master in your life, humans are habit machines, what you "trained" for years(not doing exercise, eating bad, relationships, whatever...) can't be changed in days. Psychologist now know that changing a habit takes 30-60 days. You will find references from Tony Robbins, Even Pagan, and a lot of people if you study psychology to this phenomenon:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/30-days-to-success/

30 Is a magic number, really. If you put yourself inversion glasses(up is down,down is up) you will see upside down for 30 days. If you then remove your glasses, you will see upside down for 30 days again!!

So if you want to exercise daily, you make a commitment to ONLY change that area of your life in 30 days. If you try more, you will fail as it takes a lot of energy on your part. Once you do something on your life for more than 30 days, it becomes a habit, it will become difficult to NOT exercise daily.

I've found it works, because even when I'm lazy, I don't want to let my friend down, and it's a sustainable level of working out. After a few months it starts to have a noticeable impact on everything you do. I'm more confident and more motivated than I was before I started about 8 months ago.

I would point you to two other reference materials. One, is Andy Hunt's (of the Pragmatic Programmers) book: "Pragmatic Thinking and Learning" which I cannot recommend enough. Second is 37Signals "Rework", which I also heartily reccomend.

One thing Pragmatic Thinking & Learning touches on is S.M.A.R.T. See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S.M.A.R.T.

Also? I have A.D.H.D., too. I also struggle at times -- it's a bitch to admit you're both intelligent & disabled. I don't have much practical advice on this topic, just be aware.

Finally, work on balance. Work on goals. And don't sweat the small stuff -- relax and work slowly. Change is hard.

Best of luck.

-N

P.S. Exercise helps everything (ditto sleep) -- cognition, bodily health, focus, etc. Even if you don't lose any weight (or gain slightly due to fat -> muscle) it's still worth it. Trust me.

I haven't found my solution, but it doesn't seem to be about money. I'm 28 and my wife is also. We started with nothing. We both paid our own way through college while working. I started working at 17. I've had a few good breaks along the way as a developer jumping jobs. I make a little over six figures a year, my wife makes about 60k. We paid off our house last year. We have two new cars and our only debt is on her car. We have 85k in our checking account and about 180k in our 401ks.

I'm active and sleep well. I work out six days a week for 30-60 minutes a day. I don't do much else though besides work out and work. I started reading and tried doing some other things to calm my mind and begin to accept the fact that middle class is OK.

I feel like I've plateued and don't have much to show for it other than a safely padded bank account. I have pretty boring job. My primary satisfaction comes from my marriage - I'm super lucky for that.

The other advice is to focus on meeting people, making friends and acquaintances. Don't spend your twenties working like crazy for someone else. Either work crazy for yourself or don't work crazy. Spend it with other people instead.

It sounds like your jobs is boring and unchallenging. You havent gotten a pay raise in 3 years. I know it's not always about money. But money can definitely be a motivator. It sounds like your managers aren't very good or the company has financial difficulties. No raise for 3 years in unacceptable and says "we don't appreciate you". Time to look for another more interesting job. As some other mentioned, try a startup.

Which leads me into my next point. Surround yourself with smart, motivated people. The environment you put yourself in can make a huge difference. Joining a startup will give you access to smart people doing interesting things. Go to meetups, talks, etc.. Meet people who are actually doing something. Have a drink, lunch, dinner, whatever with 1 or 2 people who are actively working on something. Offer your suggestions and feedback to them regarding their projects (most people dont turn down free feedback). I think if you spend enough time with people in the community and actively trying to accomplish stuff, you might get motivated to do something yourself or one of those people might want to do something with you.

As for the gym. If you can afford it, hire a personal trainer. Try and book a bunch of classes in advance. Its easy to be lazy and not go to the gym after work. But if you've already paid for the classes and made an appointment you might be more willing to show up.

That doesn't mean you can't better yourself, but please don't be too hard on yourself for being imperfect. What separates the person you most admire and you isn't as much as you think - in many cases, it's just a bit of luck.

And most importantly, find someone else to do it with you that won't let you wuss out 3 months into your training.

Pay a non-refundable $250 for it and force yourself to be ready for it. Find someone to run with you once per week that won't let you quit. Work your way up to running 15 miles once per week. I started at 3 miles once/wk and now do 15 once/wk.

I highly recommend doing this; it is fun, and I lost 20 lbs doing it.

I wasted 3 years of my non-work life 20s playing an MMO (DAoC if you're curious), and I've had more failed relationships than I care to count (in a good one now though). I could have let that sort of thing get me down, instead I use it as motivation. No matter what there will come a point where you simply have to suck it up, and that means doing stuff even when you don't feel like it or you can get away with not doing it.

This isn't an insult to you, but you probably had it pretty easy your whole life so you've never had to dig down deep for intrinsic motivation. You've taken the first step of realizing that what you are doing now is not what you want to be doing. The next step is taking action to change, so get off your ass and get to it.

I enjoy high altitude hiking/mountain climbing so I'll leave you with this quote that I think epitomizes willpower and motivation:

"When I rest I feel utterly lifeless except that my throat burns when I draw breath...I can scarcely go on. No despair, no happiness, no anxiety. I have not lost the mastery of my feelings, there are actually no more feelings. I consist only of will." Messner on the first solo ascent of Everest

I call this project Project Asymmetry because a lot of people live symmetric lives where they are born, climb up until they reach a peak, then decline until they die. The end of their lives are mirror images of the beginning. In Project Asymmetry, we reject that, and aim to get better at everything until we suddenly die in an accident.

Here is an image to illustrate: http://ryandickherber.com/images/project-asymmetry.png

Right now I'm researching all the components of the human body that can be trained and will be putting up a wiki with more information on this. I will catalog standard activities, like weight lifting, taking physics qualifying exams, etc., and seeing what parts of the body they train (muscles, bones, brain, etc.). This will take about a week probably.

Then I will design programs that train every component of yourself. The idea is that you will become stronger, funnier, more intelligent, more knowledgeable, etc., in a very rigorous way. Everything will be tracked so you can know you're really making progress. The program never ends, and you will always follow it (until you suddenly die in an accident).

Here is the latest reddit thread:

http://www.reddit.com/r/Fitness/comments/cu0qp/we_want_to_be...

Keep track on my blog:

http://funnylogic.com/

1) Get enough sleep. 2) Eat right. 3) Get some exercise (don't worry about your weight, worry about your energy and activity levels).

If you don't do these 3 things, you _will_ eventually wind up with mild depression. If doing these 3 things doesn't break you out of your funk, see an expert.

If you're having trouble motivating yourself towards your goals, you might enjoy the following blog post:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/04/30-days-to-success/

A synopsis: Commit to doing something small every single day for 30 days. You can do this. It's hard, it will suck, and you'll want to skip a couple of days. Don't. At the end of the 30 days, reassess. Continue if you want. You're building a habit that will allow you to take tiny, constant steps towards your goals across a span of years.

If you have a problem with too much pointless browsing, invest in LeechBlocker or SiteBlocker. Limit your television.

Your entire post listed all the things that you dislike about your life. Tell me what do you like about life?

It seems to me as though you have no real passions (you didn't list any). My best advice would be to find something that you are passionate about, something that you truly love doing in your free time and do it!

It will make your entire life more rewarding. For me, that rush came through skydiving. I had always wanted to learn and finally decided one day to drive out to the airport and make it happen. Haven't looked back since.

For me, jumping out of a plane and following towards earth puts the rest of life into perspective. I challenge you to find something that gives you that same feeling. Something that makes you LIVE.

What do you love or have always wanted to do? Your childhood dream? No excuses, make it happen. What's stopping you? Money should never be a deciding factor.

I understand that these couple of paragraphs may not be enough motivation. If you would like to chat, feel free to PM me.

What helped me a lot is learning my personality type based on the MBTI model (or any model, they're all pretty similar) - study it and find out your potential compared to other types. This gives you a more accurate scale to view your potential, and a more accurate scale will give you a more well defined measurement of success.

For instance, personality typing predicts varying degrees of hard-workingness based on nothing else but your disposition. A lot of people can't accept this even though life itself seems to indicate it and have wrong expectations for themselves. This is very unhealthy if you put all your hopes here and can't manage to fulfill it.

I already wrote my thoughts on this here: therubyway.wordpress.com/2010/07/09/how-to-view-yourself/

"I have a difficult time relating attempted solutions because I'm still not sure what the problem is."

To me, this says that you've already found the fundamental truth of desire-- you cannot sate it with its own ends, as counterintuitive as that is. I realize this is starting to sounds like the dreaded "get religion" solution, but there's no magic or mystery in these approaches. Just 2500 years of close examination human life.

Two specific, small things: I recommend a short, easy book, "Everyday Zen" by Charlotte Joko Beck. Try to sit still and just breathe for around 20 minutes. It's just as easy and just as hard as it sounds.

I treated my frustrations with my life just like I treated any other problem. I put my life under the microscope and considered carefully which areas I found inadequate. I'd look at each area and consider what was going wrong and what it would take to fix it. Once I had a plan on how to fix it, I'd follow the plan. I'd keep evaluating my progress, and try and improve where I was lacking.

This is a great way to solve problems, but somehow it never worked when I looked at my life this way. Somehow it just seemed overwhelming and depressing. And instead of taking some little step to better myself, I'd just waste the day away browsing the internet or watching Hulu. I'd have a completely clear idea of what I needed to do to reach my goals, but I just couldn't bring myself to do them.

The realization the book gave me was that the impulse to scrutinize my life had, for me, become destructive. Intellectually, setting goals and breaking them down into manageable steps is useful. But the continuous evaluation I did on myself just drained me emotionally.

The way I think about it is that I do not have the same ability to emote abstractly as I have to think abstractly. When I put a problem or deficiency in my life under the microscope, it allows me to focus on the problem intellectually. But my emotions don't understand microscopes -- instead, they treat the problem as overwhelmingly huge. Evaluating my progress over and over again didn't lead to improving my methods -- it just made me feel emotionally besieged.

The solution for me has been to break the cycle of scrutinizing my life. It's an old habit, and it's been hard. But when I get to thinking "I'm wasting my talent" or "I regret wasting so much time" I do my best to keep myself from obsessing over it. And with that off my back I find it much easier to work towards my goals.

Chances are, you already know what you don't like about your current circumstances, but you just don't have the courage (yet) to face it. The exercise above will help you -- it helped me. I'm quitting my day job this Friday to focus on what I love doing.

Great article titled "Be careful what you wish for" http://finance.yahoo.com/expert/article/moneyhappy/167884

Snippet from that article:

It’s nice to be passionate about work, of course, but are you really having meaningful relationships, are you really developing as a person in ways that are meaningful for you? It’s trite to say, but when it gets to end of life and you’re reflecting back, what were the things that were deeply important? It’s easy to lose track of them over the short-term.

Feeling sorry for yourself :)

One suggestion: write down what the average life is of a middle-American; or, go to Africa!!!! (I'm dead serious; it changed my life)

You'll cheer right up! Seriously, do something new, out of this world.

Also, be glad that you care about what you're doing and you realize that you have huge opportunities. Most that do have opportunities don't realize it and everyone that doesn't, dreams that they did.

Don't forget rule #62: stop taking yourself so damn seriously!

Also, my guess is that you have been doing great stuff (just from the fact that you care about whether or not you are). Make a list of your accomplishments.

I'm not trying to be a jerk by phrasing it that way, I just feel like you need to be tougher on yourself to reach your goals.

That aside, getting regular sleep where 8+ hrs is an option is important, as is being able to recognize when you're not going to get any work done during a day, and readjust your day plans to accomodate that fact.

also, if you've been diagnosed with the inattentive rather than either the joint or just hyperactive subtype, i've heard that most effective treatment options are different.

But first, if you doctor hasn't prescribed any of the normal stimulant treatments, go yell at him, please. Irrespective of cultural stereotypes regarding stimulants, for those who have adhd and don't have a history of being inclined towards substance abuse, stimulants in the immediately soluble and/or dissolved during digestion over time formulations are by and large the most effective and safest treatment option. Also, even if your activity level and food intake remains the same, you'll probably lose some excess body fat, though presumably you should then adjust your diet and activity level to be more active and to stabilize your weight (as in exercise more, and eating a healthy active person diet).

And to repeat whats definitely been said elsewhere is also important, its all about changing your habits gradually towards what you'd like them to be

Personally, I found that taking a full-time programming job destroyed my out-of-office motivation and productivity. It might be worth trying a job in a new industry for a while, or working out some sort of part-time agreement with your employer -- you might find your brain itching to code and produce something after work hours.

If you want something to get done, you give it to someone who has no time or options.

I'm not trying to push the religion thing on you, because that's not your problem here, but what I will say that is that even though I have this other thing outside of coding and work and even family, I still feel (felt?) drained like you do.

After long conversations with my parents, and grandmothers, what I found the problem to be was anxiety and anxious thinking. That may not sound like your problem on the face of it, but here are some things I'd ask you:

- Do you find yourself constantly frustrated by your own limitations and imperfections?

- Do you have a hard time doing anything if it's not perfect?

- Do you berate yourself internally to such a degree that you are your own worst critic and that if you do anything wrong, no one needs to tell you so?

- Do you feel guilty for having all that you have and knowing that there are people out there who'd love to be you?

- Everytime you think of a new business/project idea, do you get all excited but then as you think about it more and more, you get turned off by all the roadblocks you'd have to overcome, until you gradually just fizz out and spend time on HN?

If this sounds like you in any way, then you're probably like me. I have no problem admitting (now) that one of the major reasons I don't get anything done is that I don't LET MYSELF. If you wanna talk personally about this, I'd be happy to be someone to talk to about this. My name is David and my email is at http://scr.im/daveslab (guarded from Spam Bots).

What am I doing about it? This program (http://www.stresscenter.com/mwc/), as cheesy as it looks, is truly, truly saving my life. It is a God-send for me and it helped my father and my uncle come to things they'd only dreamed of doing because of their fear.

Maybe I'm totally off the mark, but I truly hope this might help you. There are so many people affected by this but don't know it's name.

I had the exact same feeling, at the exact same age, it might have even been at the exact same time of the year. So what did i do about it? I went to Culinary School, i needed to prove to myself that i could actually accomplish something i set my mind too. Cooking is perfect for that, i'm not talking about working from a recipe, i am talking about creating your own recipe, having your own idea for what will taste good together. The parallels between recipes and businesses are amazing. You start off with a concept/idea, you begin to do research (this is usually where people get stuck in business), you actually do something and finally you see if your initial idea was successful. In cooking the definition of success is clear, either your food tastes like shit or it doesn't. In business the definition of success is a little more convoluted but if you look at success from a monetization perspective then its either making you money or not.

So what does culinary school have to do with feeling like shit? Accomplishing something makes you feel great, it builds your confidence especially within a group of peers. Not everyday will be your shining moment but once-in-a-while you will be better then everybody else and you will understand success. From that point onwards you will continue to drive towards that feeling because you know understand what it tastes like.

What can you do? 1. Find something like culinary school. Not a business idea, something else that you think you are good at but haven't really focused on. Something that has a lot of small tangible results. Things that have a lot of tangible results can equal a lot of little victories. 2. Find something where you will compete against others because if you cant measure yourself to someone else, how do you know you have succeeded. 3. Don't worry about commitment, when you start succeeding all the rest of the stuff will go away.

I hope that helps. For me my whole life changed i met my wife, i built an ego, learned how to cook like a chef and finally understood what success really felt like.

Try to get one hour of sunlight per day and one hour of exercise per day. Two birds with one stone: go jogging for one hour per day, every day, no matter what.

For me, I couldn't wait to finish my hour of exercise so I could go do something challenging and important, like work on your big idea.

Just enjoy life, and don't stop learning.

You don't have to learn how to cook to eat better. You simply have to stock your kitchen with better food.

It's easy to make simple nutritous meals. Cooking skill merely makes them taste better.

It sounds like you need JFDI. If you don't like something, change it. http://www.bothsidesofthetable.com/2009/11/19/what-makes-an-...

You sound desperate. If you are, I have a suggestion that will help. But you'll only be able to do it if you are desperate:

Set doable goals, do them, and celebrate them.

1. Start off with clearly doable goals - no challenging or stretch goals! A good guide is to estimate what you think you can do, then halve it. [note: if it turns out that you can't do it, it was not a "doable goal" - start again with an easier one] To give you an idea of just how easy I mean, an example is: to make a mark on a piece of paper.

2. Doing them means to remain focussed on them. No moving the goal posts! Don't be distracted by other tasks; nor by thoughts of whether you can do it or not, nor by whether it's too easy etc. The way to prevent distractions is as in meditation: acknowledge them without anger nor fighting them, and gently shifting your attention back to the here and now.

3. celebration means something very specific: you recall (visualize) the state of events before you began; and then you compare the visualization with how things are now. And you notice that there is a difference - a change in the world - that is entirely due to your power.

The key is self-appreciation. You thought I was melodramatic when I said you can only do this if you're desperate? No. Setting a reasonable goal, doing it, and celebrating it is really that hard. It requires a particular kind of self-discipline that (according to your post) you presently don't exercise. You can improve at this - if you're desperate enough.

every great achievement is made up of a number of small achievements

A: Achieve, achieve, achieve.

You are trying very hard to be Dashing Successful Hacker.

Maybe you are not meant for that. Amidst all the insightful advice about how startups will change your life, perhaps a while should be spent on thinking about that.

You are right about much of what you're saying here. Please know that I'm not trying to be glib or sarcastic. If I was being short with my reply, it was because I was in the exam room of a doctor typing on my phone while waiting on her to get back and resume our interview and examination for prescribing medication for my new diagnosis of ADHD. So in a way this discussion is serendipitous for me.

Let me offer a difference of opinion on a few small points in what you've said here.

First, unless you're doing it wrong (pardon the meme), then you will not be wrapping up problems and tucking them away. Not into a diagnosis, not anywhere. But to discount the diagnosis would be an equally problematic mistake to embracing it as a catch-all. If you're diagnosed as having rotten roots beneath a tooth of yours, that doesn't wrap the problem of a toothache up in that diagnosis so that you can then go about ignoring it. It ascribes a cause and a probable form of treatment to your situation.

If you have ADHD, it is a part of who you are, absolutely. It's a part of your strengths as well as your struggles. But your question here was, "What am I doing wrong?" and if you've been diagnosed as ADHD, there's an excellent change you can find good answers that encompass and respect the totality of your person by going further down that trail.

As for the lack of a litmus test, I strongly empathize with that idea as well. While I am neither a psychiatrist nor a psychologist, I have been paying attention to this issue, trying to go deeper into those reservations.

In fact, there are some good tests for ADHD that don't just rely on an interview with a psychiatrist (though I would argue that that interview has more validity to it than you might be willing to grant it). There are brainwave scans that can be done. There are functional tests. There are eye-tracking tests.

That last bit about bad habits is the one that I think is most doggedly pernicious, at least based on my experience. My thinking went along these lines: I'm lazy. I'm undisciplined. These things are hard for everyone. These are behavioral problems, not biological problems--matters of willpower, not matters of capability.

The thing about psychological disorders is that they can all be dismissed as bad behavior, as moral issues, if you are prepped to see it that way, especially for the layman. We've gotten better as a society at acknowledging naturalistic, deterministic causes to these things in order of severity. Things like schizophrenia or dissociative disorder or mania--that stuff we look at and say, "Yeah, there's probably something off with the chemistry or structure of that person's brain." With something like dysthymia or ADHD, though, we still are more inclined to discount the physiological, the neurological components of that cycle of behaviors.

To an extent, you're right. These are learned behaviors. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can do a world of good in undoing them. Heck, even just adapting through self-management can do a lot of good. At the same time, the two worlds, that of mind and body, are inexorably linked. They determine one another in either a vicious or virtuous circle.

Proper treatment for ADHD addresses both aspects of that reality. It addresses your personhood and your physicality, your learned behaviors as well as your proclivities.

I'm not trying to be overbearing here. Please excuse me, and I certainly don't presume to know much about you or your condition. But I hope you're open at least to reconsidering your views on ADHD, or maybe not even reconsidering, just broadening and deepening.

I see so much of myself in what you've described here, and when I saw that you've been diagnosed as ADHD, it lined up with the self-discovery I am in the process of. Your reply here does that even more so, and while I don't want to diminish your individuality and your uniqueness, I think we may be a lot alike and can help one another by having this discussion. I'm open to having my mind changed--I'm not singularly focused on getting you to take meds or anything; other than maybe validating my decision, I have no motive for doing so. That said, validating, or invalidating, each of our positions only stands to bring more light to the situation for each of us and may be of some benefit to other observers as well.

In short, I understand if you disagree with me, and that's certainly your right, but if you'd be willing, I'd love to go back and forth a little more, for our mutual benefit. This reply is my effort to that end, and I hope it doesn't come across as arrogant or rude or dismissive in any way. It's just a topic I care a lot about right now, and in my opinion, it may be one that could yield the type of breakthroughs that you opened this post in hopes of finding.

Sorry for the length!

Which one do you think you are, and which one would you like to be?

But step back a second. Think about something you really love. Did you choose to love it, or did you merely discover you loved it. I remember in 7th grade, someone brought a Trash-80 to show and tell at school, and I was suddenly obsessed. Ever since then, I've learned new programming languages on my own and built stuff. But the key insight is this ... I DID NOT CHOOSE TO LIKE PROGRAMMING. I merely discovered that I happen to love it.

The same is true for millions of other things, from whether or not you like onions, to whether you prefer beaches or mountains, to whether you're introverted or extroverted.

When I was your age, I thought I wanted to build up a little real estate portfolio by converting my personal residences to rentals (aka, "leap-frogging"). The idea felt prestigious and had a feasible chance at leading to wealth. But it turns out, I HATE managing real estate. I just want to focus on my software projects. Owning a rental property is just a way for me to buy myself a bunch of hassle.

So the point is this ... life is not completely about consciously setting tasks, deadlines, and goals for yourself. In fact, much more of life is about listening to your inner self, finding out more about what really makes you tick, and then steering your life more in that direction as you learn. There's an element of excitement to it, because you don't really know exactly where it will lead. Take time to get away from the hustle and bustle and reflect on your life, always asking, "What do I want more of in my life? What do I want less of? What changes can I make that will move me in the right direction?"

To do this, you have to get free of the "hold yourself accountable" mindset. You do not have to meet anyone's standards, you don't have to achieve anything, and you don't have to prove anything. Your life is yours and yours alone. It was given to you, and you are the absolute sovereign over it. If you truly find happiness from surfing the internet 12 hours a day, then you should do it every day of your life, with no guilt whatsoever. The only reason that's not a good idea is that it won't truly make you happy. So you reflect on that, and decide to make a change that takes you in a better direction. Guilt and shame are not in the picture. Neither is time pressure, or needing to "hold yourself accountable". Merely self-acceptance, and leisurely looking for ways to increase the satisfaction and self-actualization you get from life.

Now i just need to remember it every so often :)

If it helps, I am in a similar position. I am under 25, but working as a programmer for 3 years. I got student loans to pay off. (and dont tell my boss, but sometimes I read the internet instead of working). It happens. Slow progress is better than none.

Also, try listening to this song as loud as possible, and tell me it doesn't help: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5TXr-vDvhY

Learn to meditate and don't watch tv. Take fish oil, eat healthy, get exercise, ....

Don't hit the gym until you are in basic shape. I recommend http://hundredpushups.com/ to get started.

Finally, admit to yourself that every time you slack off instead of doing what you really want to do, you are lying to yourself. Say it aloud: I am lying to myself. That is one way that I stopped drinking alcohol and smoking weed, and as a result I not only almost have a six pack (Not spending $ on alcohol => improved nutrition, no hangovers => daily exercise), but I respect myself more. I still drink from time to time but as long as I admit to myself (and my closest social acquaintances) that I am lying to myself, then the habit eventually self-corrects.

Nassim Taleb says carbs are one of the 3 most dangerous addictions, besides a paycheck and heroin. Obviously some carbohydrate is necessary and good for you but the less the better.

Trader Joe's has these kickass "a complete salad" kits in their refrigerated produce section that I highly recommend. They have great nutritive value, taste great, aren't too expensive, and I feel aMaZiNg hours after eating them.

I WAS WRONG

Any reference for this? Pretty much everything I read about nutrition says this is total bull.

I suffer from a lot of the same problems -- ultimately, that feeling that you're phoning it in, and that you can't get yourself to stop doing it. Oh, BTW, I'm about 20 years your senior.

I have not entirely conquered this, but I understand myself a lot better than I did before I started trying. You can, too -- understand why it is you behave this way, and who this "other self" is that seems to be in control.

In all likelihood, the root of your problem is fear. It's the cause of many peoples' problems, and certainly is mine. You're probably afraid of failure, afraid of somehow breaking your in-born talent. These are needless fears, but I've got them, and I know how real they seem. One tool that has helped me identify my fears is Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. The book is good, the audio is even better. She's a PhD, a psychologist who's spent her career figuring out how to overcome fear.

Another suggestion: start a light exercise program. Don't attempt anything heroic. Just a daily (six days per week) fast walk for 25 minutes will do. It's not just about losing weight -- in fact, that would just be a by-product. The main reason is that as a human being, you were born to run. Your mind will be healthier if you exercise your body, regularly. A great book on the science of this is Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, by John Ratey. The last 20 years of research in this area have shown an amazing connection.

Others here can help you with your long-term goals: create great things. I can't give much useful advice in that area, yet. What's important, though, is that you grow into self-awareness, in order to gain control over what I believe is probably a low-grade depression -- I'm not a psychologist, but I think I know it when I see it.

Where the mind goes, the body will follow. Conversely, where the body goes, the mind will follow. If you start behaving like someone who feels better than you do, you'll start feeling better. Your body can make your mind improve, and your mind can make your body improve. Trying a bit of both.

Your answer is "You don't understand your market." No more, no less. Figure it out. If you think about this for a moment, you'll realize that I am right. If you think about it deeply you'll realize that I didn't even know what I was saying... and yet, I was right.

It's not genius that drives innovation; it's the will to succeed.

- fatigue (I was falling asleep at my desk at 10:30am after 11 hours of sleep) - "Brain fog" (Best definition I've heard, it's the lack of the ability to focus after about 10 minutes etc) - Depression (This came on when I would have too much sugar. It would really mess with my head)

Anyways, after some anti-fungals and cutting out most sugars from my diet, I'm 80% better now. I can put in a full day's work and can hang out at night without feeling repercussions the next day.

I also found out I was celiac. Go figure.